What a powerful piece, thank you Latham. The line that struck me “Being a father meant taking a back seat to what I believed being a father was supposed to be. In that moment I had to learn that it wasn’t about me. “ I would change father to wife.. and say that I’m learning this very similar lesson. I hope you find ease and connection.
Thank you Sadia. I suspect there are more similarities than differences among the experiences of parents. I saw my wife embrace it early, and then struggle with it later. I've come slower to that understanding, and I try daily to balance maintaining my own identity outside of being Dad and letting my identity go to be Dad.
Incredible Latham. So raw, tender, and bittersweet, this journey you’re on. I imagine so many of us struggle with this tension at least one of our relationships. I spent the last two decades wondering what I did to drive my dad away, and if I could’ve done something, maybe be a different kind of daughter, to keep him on earth. But I’ve spent the last couple years learning how to accept that it’s not about me. I wish I could’ve asked him questions to better understand his pain. But instead I imagine conversations (and write fiction like Bonesick) to fill in the blanks. I hope writing this beautiful piece unlocks a few doors for you (as I’m sure it will for other readers like me)... as you synthesize being both a typical human with typical human expectations and the specific type of father the universe has asked you to be. Thank you for your vulnerability, and as always, sharing your stories with us here.
As I told you this morning, your comments always stop me in my tracks and make me grateful to get to write and talk with you. This was no exception.
"I spent the last two decades wondering what I did to drive my dad away, and if I could’ve done something, maybe be a different kind of daughter, to keep him on earth." <----- That right there hits so hard. I had many of the same thoughts (as I hinted at in this piece), only I manifested them as anger and as a refusal to be anything like my dad. I still wouldn't say we have the relationship I would have designed, but as the saying goes, "such is life." What has helped you shift your perspective? I imagine the fiction helps a lot (mine is still slowly coming), but I'm curious if anything else has been a catalyst at a specific point in your life?
My heart just aches about this. The world doling out parents who create wounds their children try to heal themselves to, at best, come to the same “ce la vie” conclusion. Luckily, you’re not one of those parents! To answer your question, it really has come down to “falling in love with myself” which sounds soooo EW but makes an incredible difference in building self worth. I don’t have to DO all the things in order to be a valid human being. I also have to watch out for my addiction to picking at the wound because that’s totally a thing. Like it doesn’t have to be my identity anymore. I only just started this journey a couple years ago, so it’s new and answers are elusive! Writing is such a huge help though so definitely keep this up!!
“My addiction to picking at the wound”. Wow. I felt that bright in the middle of my heart. And the heaviness that comes after from the realization is shame and more sadness. I’m practicing on being whole. All of that and knowing that I picked at stuff/wounds/losses wasn’t in the focus of my lens. Your share has changed that. Thank you.
Oh my gosh you’re welcome!! It’s hilarious because I picked up Tarot in the past few years and there’s a card, the Devil card, that’s all about this concept, the addiction to the pain we think we’re shackled to … But the cuffs and chains are literally unlocked and we can leave at anytime. I was dealt the card awhile back and all the lightning and lightbulbs exploded in my brain. I don’t HAVE to obsess over this?? What a different life I could lead?? Let’s get out of these chains my friend!!
I love hearing you say that you've fallen in love with yourself. It makes me smile ear to ear. So many of us (myself included for years) learn to hate ourselves. No one teaches us to love the person we are. Even many psychologists and therapists weren't helping me. I actually had a coach who opened the possibility of loving myself up, and then a new spiritual practice has cemented it. Now I just find myself: as a human and as consciousness (or what the mystics might call the Godhead) so interesting.
It's a journey for sure. But the love you put out in the world, I'm glad to know you let some of it shine on you too.
Now my turn to smile! Will you write more about this journey? And hope you’ve traveled from there to here? (And please post “reruns” for us newbs haha!) My brain tells me I lost a lot of my old spiritual practice back there. But in actuality, I don’t think I ever lost it… it’s just something else I can’t name. Perhaps it’s not for me to name? (We humans really do have to label everything, don’t we.) Godhead, if I’m familiar, is sort of that namelessness?
Tears in my eyes, brother. This is so right: relationships with our kids happen on their terms, not on ours. Love that conversation at the dinner table, where you didn't give up and finally flipped the magic switch. And the Lego invitation. Our kids let us know how to be part of their lives, and it really is up to us to accept those invitations rather than trying to push them toward filling the gaps in our own childhoods. A hard lesson to learn, but a necessary one. Thanks for your courage here, and for sharing wisdom that other need to hear.
Thank you Josh. That means so much from you. It's maybe the hardest lesson to learn and one I have to learn again and again and again in every stage of life.
So much in here my friend. We are dragged kicking and screaming into this world, and forced to discover at some point, much to our own dismay, that it’s not all about us. Thanks so much for sharing your story of growth and healing and generational love. 🙏
Thank you Dee. It is such an honor to write these stories with all of you. I didn't realize how powerful this series was going to be for me, and yet I can't wait to do it again. I'm grateful for your continued encouragement and support. And I wish more people were provided the framework: in childhood, in schools, and as we're thrust into adulthood, to realize that out truth is but a microcosm of the Truth.
I was having a conversation with a former preacher about the same thing yesterday and it struck me how hard it is to find anyone to help you make that shift. Yet I know, much like me, you're also on a quest to find that Truth.
Thanks Michael. After reading your post, I had the thought that I needed to step up my game. Which sent me into a fury of revisions that I'm ultimately really happy with.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own heads—our own stories—and lose sight of the fact that we're really trying to ease our kids into becoming adults as best we can. Adults who will inevitably grapple with the same stuff we do, just in their own unique way. And yet all we can do is be there for them as a safety net when they need us.
I’m sorry about the length of my comment. I was very emotional by the time I had finished reading your incredibly insightful, honest, well crafted words. I can strongly identify with so much of your relationship with your father, and your own children, and now in my case with two grandchildren who live with me. Thank you for sharing. I was so blown away, I will have to reread the whole thing. Take care. Keep posting . Extremely inspiring work, Latham.👏✍️
I mean what else is there to say. I think this is why writing matters. So stories like these come to light. So that we see themselves in it, recognize our darkness, but also see the light. You are an inspiration my friend.
Thank you Camilo. Thank you for the support and the encouragement. I was very afraid this essay was a flop and talked myself out of publishing it many times in the last week. But I'm glad I didn't give in.
What a piece Latham! This line is one of those hooks like an old song that will live in my head forever: "my fears were actually my stories"
I'm sharing in those reflections as parenting is an unending meditation on how the parent has been parented. Those contemplations are where the healing and meaning begin. You captured that feeling in this piece powerfully.
And there's a beautiful function in the Pokemon games. Some of them can't evolved unless they are given in a trade. Though they can always come back, it is a reminder that our final forms are often only a release away.
Wow, thank you for reading Steven. And I hope your son will know how lucky he is to have a dad that is willing to sit in that same meditation. I hope to meet him too some time soon.
I was really nervous to share this, especially because being a father has been such a transformative part of my journey. Which is funny, because growing up, I never wanted to have kids. The heavens have a way of smiling at us.
I didn't know that in the Pokemon games. That's really cool. I'll have to ask him about it.
Soulful work — and well timed... What relatively little experience I have with kids lately has been a lot f about learning how much they want things on their terms, or at least that it certainly not about me... I may have something to bring to the table, but—especially because these are someone else's kids—that's about all I can do: bring it, and offer it, and let it go from there. I hardly know you, but I'm so glad you're part of our group and I'm proud of the work you're doing, for you, and for your readers.
Thank you Bowen. For bringing this group together, for bringing this series to life, and for every bit of encouragement along the way. This piece wouldn't have come together without your leadership and the support of everyone in our group. I'm humbled and honored to get to play my part.
Your deeply moving essay is profoundly honest and vulnerable. I can't imagine a more worthy way to serve as a man right now than being willing to "get real" in the ways you've demonstrated here. Also, I think all of our cultural tropes re family and what it is have led us astray from its reality. With respect to my own experience of family—my birth family, as well as the one I created—I'm coming to the conclusion that family is not a usual arrangement of relationships. It's the place where the literal work of facing the illusion of separation takes place. There is no other circumstance or configuration of people that could have motivated me to embrace the level of joy and pain required to build a soul than family. I agree that "it's not about me"—but it IS about the family, of which I am a part. So the "not about me" revelation isn't a diminishment of me, but an expanded vision of who and what "me" is that includes the whole family. So to take on a conscious relationship to family is no less than a spiritual quest that is not for the feint of heart. Family is in no way a casual affair. It's a declaration of war against all the habits of separation that we are culturally encouraged to perpetuate.
This was such a great piece Latham! I started reading it and became absorbed in your storytelling, so much so that I didn't stop to think until I finished the essay. I love the way you combined your fathers story, yours and your sons. It's cool to see you experimenting with a different format and knocking it out of the park.
Thank you Michelle (which I feel like I say so often that it could become meaningless but I mean it so dearly every time). Thank you for reading it yesterday and making me publish it when I was freaking out about it. Thank you for the encouragement and support and constant excitement as I keep trying to push myself. Just Thank you.
Love this writing Latham and it was illuminating for me in my own relationship to father and with my father. My mother brought a few men around and that complicated me and my relationship to father. I’m grateful to the men that have gifted and guided me to a healing of that wound. I’m continuing to negotiate my own limited relationship to my own father, all the while occasionally grieving not being a father myself. Thank you for your essay and for sharing openly from your experiences.
Thank you for reading and for your honesty in this comment. I'm honored that it might help you reflect on your own relationships. That makes me feel so great.
I remember once someone told me that my parents did the best they could. At the time I resisted them saying that. Now I know they were right. I hope the men who have gifted and guided me are still there supporting you and I hope that you're able to find whatever peace in those relationships is possible for you.
What a powerful piece, thank you Latham. The line that struck me “Being a father meant taking a back seat to what I believed being a father was supposed to be. In that moment I had to learn that it wasn’t about me. “ I would change father to wife.. and say that I’m learning this very similar lesson. I hope you find ease and connection.
Thank you Sadia. I suspect there are more similarities than differences among the experiences of parents. I saw my wife embrace it early, and then struggle with it later. I've come slower to that understanding, and I try daily to balance maintaining my own identity outside of being Dad and letting my identity go to be Dad.
I'm curious what works for you.
Incredible Latham. So raw, tender, and bittersweet, this journey you’re on. I imagine so many of us struggle with this tension at least one of our relationships. I spent the last two decades wondering what I did to drive my dad away, and if I could’ve done something, maybe be a different kind of daughter, to keep him on earth. But I’ve spent the last couple years learning how to accept that it’s not about me. I wish I could’ve asked him questions to better understand his pain. But instead I imagine conversations (and write fiction like Bonesick) to fill in the blanks. I hope writing this beautiful piece unlocks a few doors for you (as I’m sure it will for other readers like me)... as you synthesize being both a typical human with typical human expectations and the specific type of father the universe has asked you to be. Thank you for your vulnerability, and as always, sharing your stories with us here.
As I told you this morning, your comments always stop me in my tracks and make me grateful to get to write and talk with you. This was no exception.
"I spent the last two decades wondering what I did to drive my dad away, and if I could’ve done something, maybe be a different kind of daughter, to keep him on earth." <----- That right there hits so hard. I had many of the same thoughts (as I hinted at in this piece), only I manifested them as anger and as a refusal to be anything like my dad. I still wouldn't say we have the relationship I would have designed, but as the saying goes, "such is life." What has helped you shift your perspective? I imagine the fiction helps a lot (mine is still slowly coming), but I'm curious if anything else has been a catalyst at a specific point in your life?
My heart just aches about this. The world doling out parents who create wounds their children try to heal themselves to, at best, come to the same “ce la vie” conclusion. Luckily, you’re not one of those parents! To answer your question, it really has come down to “falling in love with myself” which sounds soooo EW but makes an incredible difference in building self worth. I don’t have to DO all the things in order to be a valid human being. I also have to watch out for my addiction to picking at the wound because that’s totally a thing. Like it doesn’t have to be my identity anymore. I only just started this journey a couple years ago, so it’s new and answers are elusive! Writing is such a huge help though so definitely keep this up!!
“My addiction to picking at the wound”. Wow. I felt that bright in the middle of my heart. And the heaviness that comes after from the realization is shame and more sadness. I’m practicing on being whole. All of that and knowing that I picked at stuff/wounds/losses wasn’t in the focus of my lens. Your share has changed that. Thank you.
Oh my gosh you’re welcome!! It’s hilarious because I picked up Tarot in the past few years and there’s a card, the Devil card, that’s all about this concept, the addiction to the pain we think we’re shackled to … But the cuffs and chains are literally unlocked and we can leave at anytime. I was dealt the card awhile back and all the lightning and lightbulbs exploded in my brain. I don’t HAVE to obsess over this?? What a different life I could lead?? Let’s get out of these chains my friend!!
Thanks E.L. Thank you. I’m practicing and it’s aspirational to illuminate this for others in my practice.
I love hearing you say that you've fallen in love with yourself. It makes me smile ear to ear. So many of us (myself included for years) learn to hate ourselves. No one teaches us to love the person we are. Even many psychologists and therapists weren't helping me. I actually had a coach who opened the possibility of loving myself up, and then a new spiritual practice has cemented it. Now I just find myself: as a human and as consciousness (or what the mystics might call the Godhead) so interesting.
It's a journey for sure. But the love you put out in the world, I'm glad to know you let some of it shine on you too.
Now my turn to smile! Will you write more about this journey? And hope you’ve traveled from there to here? (And please post “reruns” for us newbs haha!) My brain tells me I lost a lot of my old spiritual practice back there. But in actuality, I don’t think I ever lost it… it’s just something else I can’t name. Perhaps it’s not for me to name? (We humans really do have to label everything, don’t we.) Godhead, if I’m familiar, is sort of that namelessness?
I have been trying to figure out how to write about this journey. As they say, it's a bit ineffable. But I feel inspired to try again.
Tears in my eyes, brother. This is so right: relationships with our kids happen on their terms, not on ours. Love that conversation at the dinner table, where you didn't give up and finally flipped the magic switch. And the Lego invitation. Our kids let us know how to be part of their lives, and it really is up to us to accept those invitations rather than trying to push them toward filling the gaps in our own childhoods. A hard lesson to learn, but a necessary one. Thanks for your courage here, and for sharing wisdom that other need to hear.
Thank you Josh. That means so much from you. It's maybe the hardest lesson to learn and one I have to learn again and again and again in every stage of life.
So much in here my friend. We are dragged kicking and screaming into this world, and forced to discover at some point, much to our own dismay, that it’s not all about us. Thanks so much for sharing your story of growth and healing and generational love. 🙏
Thank you Dee. It is such an honor to write these stories with all of you. I didn't realize how powerful this series was going to be for me, and yet I can't wait to do it again. I'm grateful for your continued encouragement and support. And I wish more people were provided the framework: in childhood, in schools, and as we're thrust into adulthood, to realize that out truth is but a microcosm of the Truth.
I was having a conversation with a former preacher about the same thing yesterday and it struck me how hard it is to find anyone to help you make that shift. Yet I know, much like me, you're also on a quest to find that Truth.
WOW 🤩
Thanks Michael. After reading your post, I had the thought that I needed to step up my game. Which sent me into a fury of revisions that I'm ultimately really happy with.
This was such a great exercise with our group.
It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own heads—our own stories—and lose sight of the fact that we're really trying to ease our kids into becoming adults as best we can. Adults who will inevitably grapple with the same stuff we do, just in their own unique way. And yet all we can do is be there for them as a safety net when they need us.
Masterpiece. I cried halfway through. 👏✍️
Thank you Kevin.
I’m sorry about the length of my comment. I was very emotional by the time I had finished reading your incredibly insightful, honest, well crafted words. I can strongly identify with so much of your relationship with your father, and your own children, and now in my case with two grandchildren who live with me. Thank you for sharing. I was so blown away, I will have to reread the whole thing. Take care. Keep posting . Extremely inspiring work, Latham.👏✍️
Please don’t apologize about a short comment. I was so touched that you appreciated this piece and felt strongly enough to comment.
And also, from the bottom of my heart, I mean it when I say thank you. For being here, for continuing to comment, for showing up honestly. Thank you.
I mean what else is there to say. I think this is why writing matters. So stories like these come to light. So that we see themselves in it, recognize our darkness, but also see the light. You are an inspiration my friend.
Thank you Camilo. Thank you for the support and the encouragement. I was very afraid this essay was a flop and talked myself out of publishing it many times in the last week. But I'm glad I didn't give in.
What a piece Latham! This line is one of those hooks like an old song that will live in my head forever: "my fears were actually my stories"
I'm sharing in those reflections as parenting is an unending meditation on how the parent has been parented. Those contemplations are where the healing and meaning begin. You captured that feeling in this piece powerfully.
And there's a beautiful function in the Pokemon games. Some of them can't evolved unless they are given in a trade. Though they can always come back, it is a reminder that our final forms are often only a release away.
Wow, thank you for reading Steven. And I hope your son will know how lucky he is to have a dad that is willing to sit in that same meditation. I hope to meet him too some time soon.
I was really nervous to share this, especially because being a father has been such a transformative part of my journey. Which is funny, because growing up, I never wanted to have kids. The heavens have a way of smiling at us.
I didn't know that in the Pokemon games. That's really cool. I'll have to ask him about it.
Soulful work — and well timed... What relatively little experience I have with kids lately has been a lot f about learning how much they want things on their terms, or at least that it certainly not about me... I may have something to bring to the table, but—especially because these are someone else's kids—that's about all I can do: bring it, and offer it, and let it go from there. I hardly know you, but I'm so glad you're part of our group and I'm proud of the work you're doing, for you, and for your readers.
Thank you Bowen. For bringing this group together, for bringing this series to life, and for every bit of encouragement along the way. This piece wouldn't have come together without your leadership and the support of everyone in our group. I'm humbled and honored to get to play my part.
this is an astonishing bit of writing
Thank you Alex. I'm grateful you read it and like it.
Your deeply moving essay is profoundly honest and vulnerable. I can't imagine a more worthy way to serve as a man right now than being willing to "get real" in the ways you've demonstrated here. Also, I think all of our cultural tropes re family and what it is have led us astray from its reality. With respect to my own experience of family—my birth family, as well as the one I created—I'm coming to the conclusion that family is not a usual arrangement of relationships. It's the place where the literal work of facing the illusion of separation takes place. There is no other circumstance or configuration of people that could have motivated me to embrace the level of joy and pain required to build a soul than family. I agree that "it's not about me"—but it IS about the family, of which I am a part. So the "not about me" revelation isn't a diminishment of me, but an expanded vision of who and what "me" is that includes the whole family. So to take on a conscious relationship to family is no less than a spiritual quest that is not for the feint of heart. Family is in no way a casual affair. It's a declaration of war against all the habits of separation that we are culturally encouraged to perpetuate.
This was such a great piece Latham! I started reading it and became absorbed in your storytelling, so much so that I didn't stop to think until I finished the essay. I love the way you combined your fathers story, yours and your sons. It's cool to see you experimenting with a different format and knocking it out of the park.
Thank you Michelle (which I feel like I say so often that it could become meaningless but I mean it so dearly every time). Thank you for reading it yesterday and making me publish it when I was freaking out about it. Thank you for the encouragement and support and constant excitement as I keep trying to push myself. Just Thank you.
Love this writing Latham and it was illuminating for me in my own relationship to father and with my father. My mother brought a few men around and that complicated me and my relationship to father. I’m grateful to the men that have gifted and guided me to a healing of that wound. I’m continuing to negotiate my own limited relationship to my own father, all the while occasionally grieving not being a father myself. Thank you for your essay and for sharing openly from your experiences.
Thank you for reading and for your honesty in this comment. I'm honored that it might help you reflect on your own relationships. That makes me feel so great.
I remember once someone told me that my parents did the best they could. At the time I resisted them saying that. Now I know they were right. I hope the men who have gifted and guided me are still there supporting you and I hope that you're able to find whatever peace in those relationships is possible for you.
Most of all, thank you for being here.
What a powerful lesson
Thank you Patris. I wish I was even better about living it, but I'm working on it.
What an incredibly moving piece. Brings tears to my eyes reading it.
Thank you Rosie