Latham I love that film. For all the reasons you describe and more. Great launching pad for your wonderful essay.
I know you know you’re talking about recovery here. Wherever that “bottom” is and whatever we’re “using” to try to bury the feelings we don’t wanna feel is different for everyone. I’ve certainly slobbered enough Ben and Jerry’s down the cracks in my couch. I don’t do that anymore. But I’ll leave the 4 AM alarms to younger knuckleheads 😉
Dee, I was so surprised at how good it was. I think I've watched Sandler's speech at least 100 times in writing this piece. I'd stop writing and rewatch it for a little motivation.
I never had to "recover from" something in the way that AA or NA requires a serious interdiction. But finding my own spirituality and exploring my own philosophy has been a process of recovering from all the bullshit I got stuck on throughout my life. And this ended up being just a fun way to write about that.
If I ever make it down your way, I'll drag you out for a 4AM ruck. You'll see.
Your essay brought back clear recollections of this great movie, and I found personal resonance in its relevance to business and personal setbacks. I really struggle with the private equity view of failure as a kind of character building exercise. Sometimes it’s just a failure, a tragedy in the classic Shakespearean sense. Grieve, learn and move on.
Thanks for sharing Drake. I agree on the VC/PE view of failure. Although in the grand scheme of things, for everything I struggle with/dislike about private equity, their view on failure is a small point in that.
Grieve, learn, and move on. I feel like I should have that tattooed on my arm as a reminder.
Nov 16, 2023·edited Nov 16, 2023Liked by Latham Turner
You capture the experience of "seasons of stuck," which is relatable and an under-reported phenomenon in an economy where people (esp men) go through so many transitions. I'm a goal guy and when I was at the Hoffman Institute (a week-long therapy camp lol) I learned that my goal-setting had a shadow side. Setting a BHAG was my go-to for concentrating my energies and for not dealing with other issues. Goals gave me meaning, focus, a sense of achievement. Now, while I love the fire in the belly feeling, I am also suspicious of it. When is it coming from a healthy place vs not, and when is is in balance with where I am in life vs not. I am still figuring these things out, but man I love when I'm locked in a goal. And yet, being a temporary archeologist is ok too, I have learned. At one point I mapped out a distinction between drifting and floating. So maybe there are three seasons in this: being stuck, being locked in, and being in archeologist mode (which I do not conflate with being stuck).
Jeff I fking LOVE this!! The shadow side of BHAG! Archeologist mode! There have been SO many periods of my life that patterned into the Big Goal followed by the Big Fall, from half marathons to lofty creative projects. After my last Fall, I was like, ok I’m 40 and this ends now. I’m currently in a super productive endeavor, but sooo suspicious of the pattern, so I’m building in very intentional long breaks to rest, dig, but also crave the activity again. Productivity author Oliver Burkeman writes about this... How you have to let novelty regenerate to stay in love with what you’re working on. The love intensifies for the *doing rather than the *achieving!
the point about regenerating is so important. We're only taught to take: from our energy, from our passion, from others. But we can learn to regenerate and create more.
It's funny, I think I both agree with you and disagree with you Jeff. I understand the value of BHAGs, but most of my goals nowadays are less big hair and audacious and they're much more personal, enjoyable, and still audacious. When I came out of the military, one thing I struggled with was no longer having regular goals and projects to work towards. There was no next deployment, no next certification to go earn. No one prepared me for that.
Having smaller and more personal goals gives me that same sense of working towards something without it needing to be this overwhelming monster of a goal. And it keeps me grounded that the outcome is so much less important than the learning and the joy.
To your point of archeologist mode, the WOP analogy never quite made sense for me. I think I'm always in both at varying degrees. I'm building and I'm searching, and I design my weeks so that there are ample opportunities for both at the right times and energy levels.
The irony is, at the end of the day I know I need to learn to let go of these goals in my own spiritual development. But I don't think I can let go without first honoring and enjoying them.
thanks for joining me Jeff. I appreciate your thoughts too. They helped me immensely and kind of pinpointed the one insecurity I had around this subject.
I absolutely love Adam Sandler but missed this one for the same reasons (sports?) After your review and the trailer, it is a must watch! “Do you love the game” is EVERYTHING. When I was an avid runner, I’m positively sure I loved PRs and yet loathed the running. No wonder I burned out so badly and quit it with so much violent emotion. By comparison, all this drawing I did for the past six weeks felt like being a kid again. For years and years I never truly “loved” to draw. I’m not one of those artists with hundreds of filled sketchbooks. This feeling started in high school and was exacerbated by my art degree, because it was goal-oriented. Art was a thing that got me good grades and led me to a design career. To be honest I really do not love the career I chose, so it’s no wonder I had such a tumultuous relationship with being an artist. Inktober started as that BAHG too (the only way I get my Capricorn self to do anything) but I was shocked when it morphed into pure love instead of productivity and achievement. Hours peeled away and I was actually sad when 10 or 11pm rolled around. Stanley is right... you have to become obsessed... But not with the goal. No, with the game. I wish someone had taught me this decades ago!
I hope you find the sweet sweet nectar of obsession, but like Jeff suggests, the glorious open spaces of wu wei/nondoing (throwing Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching in the mix!) I’ll cheer you on for both!!
Thanks EL. You should absolutely check it out. One of Sandler's better movies in my opinion (and yes, sports? right).
Love is everything. Love the game. Love yourself. Love the process, not the outcomes.
I'm not surprised to hear about both running and Art school. For me it was physics: I loved getting good grades easily and having time to go party, I didn't love the actual process of science. I think I also loved the debates because it made me feel smart. Being an entrepreneur was the same thing. I loved that I felt special, felt like I was pursuing purpose. I actually didn't love the realities of it, and I didn't end up loving my customers.
But in all of those journeys of not loving what I was doing, I learned so much. If it hadn't been for physics, I never would have gotten to be a test pilot. If it wasn't for starting my company, I never would have started writing. In my mind, those are wins even as they're kind of failures.
Right now I'm nursing 2 obsessions. Because they're fun, and they're powerful, and they give me a sense of integrity I never found in any career before. And I spend a lot of time in both of them simply being. Knowing that I am, and that because I am I can find joy in these obsessions.
BTW, your inktober drawings showed how much love you had. So good. You should post the links here so everyone can see them.
Oo, that's interesting about physics! At the time, it made things really easy, but yeah, easy can lead to apathy pretty quick! You're so right about the journeys these decisions lead us to. Sure—had you made a different choice—maybe you'd be a completely different person with a different path behind you, but if you look back, no regrets, grateful for the opportunities, these are definitely wins over failures!
I hope you write more about your obsessions! "Simply being" sounds like you found the sweet spot. I love it when it feels like you've "come home" when you're in the flow of something. When it feels natural and authentically you. Sounds like that's exactly where you're at!
I think I have a clue about where you might be heading! I'll have to dial this one up. Sandler is great, and always interesting to see someone who's known mostly as a comic take a serious turn. I feel your pain in failure and I think a lot of that VC lingo was designed to assuage their own guilt—and despair—at having thrown so much money and encouragement at things that failed...and so many things that probably didn't deserve to be funded in the first place. I'm not talking about your thing, whatever that was, but man, all that pretend enthusiasm for internet garbage—like the ad tech world, for example, that I know all too well from personal experience. What a waste of money, time, energy, and heart.
I don't have the experience of failure so much as just one real success, so far at least. I'm working at it, and I hope to have another, but I also don't care quite as much any more. I know this is part of what comes with age, whether it's wisdom or just the ebb of youth. I can see that you're gearing up for another shot at the ring. I want to see you up there!
Thanks Bowen. I think you do have an idea of where I'm heading. And whether I not I get my ring, I'm going to have a hell of a time shooting my shot.
I agree with you on the enthusiasm for garbage. My own example, if I had to pretend to be excited about another "future of work" startup making it easier to give your employees Starbucks gift cards I was going to scream. I was trying something really hard, changing the food system and children's health through ayervedic principles. Turns out I didn't understand just how much was stacked against me (and these kids).
I'm glad to hear you have the perspective now. You've earned it, and yet not everyone who has earned the right to have it actually gains it. I'm glad you have.
Beautiful piece, Latham. In its writing and honesty. I appreciate you. And will you please let me know if you find the golden mean between invisible labor and large creative fulfilling projects?
Thank you Alissa. From you, those words mean so much. I appreciate you and your friendship as well.
If I find it, you'll be the second to know (I'm hoping my wife is the first). Even without a "real job" I feel the weight of trying to take on my part.
As someone born and raised in Philly, I Loved Hustle! Those scenes with the early morning runs up the hill are exactly where I lived from age 5-15.
It was good to read this today. I have had 2 company failures (Sentiment Analysis and an Arts and Culture Magazine) The first one wasn't so bad because it did land me a job. The second one sucked and I nearly came to blows with one of the other founders as a finale, that was a low point on my part. And now I am finally going out again for the 3rd time. Which is the scariest one yet because I have no idea where I am going. Just a North Star but still no second point of reference, which is letting me slide, and I can't slide, I have to finish this..... because i'm already too far from home, NBA or Bust.
Thanks Randall. I'm glad you liked it. That hill motivated the hell out of me when I watched it. Especially when you see the stopwatch getting faster and faster by the scene.
I'm sorry to hear you had 2 company failures. My one was enough for a while (maybe forever, I don't know). I'm always stoked to see people who can get back in the ring again and again, I just don't think it's me. I have so many things I want to try and failing in my business made me realize a business isn't the container to do most of them. Which is okay, even though it doesn't lead to the economic cushion I had once dreamed of. But my dreams are even bigger now.
I'd love to hear what the 3rd one is if you're open to sharing. That way I can root for you.
"I want to remember that fire in my belly that tells me I’m alive. And the only way I’m wired to do that is to set a goal and devote myself to it. Whatever the outcome, I need to know I did everything possible to reach it, and in the process discovered what my true limits were."
I've struggled with this myself, along with the even weightier question you ask at the end about how to set your sights high without shirking on family responsibilities and other shared obligations. That's where the obsession narrative loses me, because I think if obsession is the requirement for success, then we're fucked. There's no way to be a present parent or spouse and a relentlessly driven entrepreneur or career person. Soccer practice, sick days, meal planning -- all of that is going to get in the way of the most ambitious career arc.
I'm glad you found your way back to desire, and I'll be eager to hear how you navigate a balance between ambition and family. I find myself wondering whether it has to be the 4am burnout routine or sleeping in. Does a 5am alarm count? I make it to the gym by 5:30 most mornings, and some people are just finishing their workouts then. Good for them, but I don't want to burn my candle at both ends, staying up until 10, waking up at 4, and convincing myself I'm an ubermensch. Because I'm more concerned with going the distance. I know you are, too, but I hear you wrestling with these zero sum messages that our culture gives us. Do you have to be "the best guy out there" to be doing something meaningful?
I slammed into these questions when I first transitioned from teaching into independent writing. I wanted wins. Right now. A new essay every week, Submittable dashboard brimming with submissions. Get an agent. Get the book deal. Replace my former calling with a new all-consuming purpose that would justify my existence. For me, that was just another recipe for misery. Substack requires a different mentality. You can't will yourself to be the best on the platform. The only way to do it is to commit to the long haul, the slow and steady, the modest gains. That's been good for me. It's much more comfortable to put all my eggs in one basket, as Mark Twain says, and WATCH THAT BASKET. But then if it doesn't work, there's nothing left. I think of it in terms of monocultures versus diversified farming. The corn/soy farmer hedges two bets. The small scale vegetable farmer with jams and honey and home-dyed tarn hedges a few dozen bets. If the beetles eat one variety of tomato, a few other varieties will thrive. A bad year for the squash might be good for beets and carrots. Personally, I find the latter model more durable, even though it doesn't inspire many fiery speeches!
Sports movies are so useful for this. Or any movies that tell the story of commitment and persistence leading to a surprise outcome. I didn’t know about your stint as a chief couch officer, but that part of your story does feel like it has its place in the intelligence of the larger picture. It’s an important reference point for a new direction that has integrity. Thus its deep relevance to the Real Man conversation. I’m coming to the conclusion that particularly for my kids there is overlap between a commitment to my family and self-actualization. To demonstrate the fire, stamina, and devotion that’s required to make a worthwhile contribution in the world is an essential part of serving my kids.
I love the way you think about that Rick. I think one of our big challenges with these types of projects is that it feels selfish. It feels like we're burdening other people. But in reality, while it is selfish, that isn't a reason not to do it. I've been thinking a lot about the reasons to do these kinds of undertakings, and my family comes up a lot. Inspiration, yes, and also letting them have a father who has a strong sense of his own self-worth that they both may see that in themselves and demand it in their partners in life.
I'm writing more about that right now, and will likely publish a part 2 this week.
Man, I needed to read this. I've been struggling with the "not doing enough" thoughts for the last couple of weeks. I don't think this fixed it, but helped me reflect how important it is to find energy/sources of inspiration that helps us really go for it. Loved this piece.
I'm so glad. I've been in the same boat for a little while now, and this piece just felt like the right way to push myself over some of that too. Being honest with ourselves and the world that we need that inspiration in our pursuit of self-actualization is really important (and can be kind of scary in today's world).
Loved learning about the details of your journey, Latham. Deeply resonate with the topics mentioned here. Will watch Hustle, and the movies that always have this effect on me are Birdman and Whiplash, which I try to rewatch once a year to reignite the fire. Thanks for sharing all this.
Wow, Latham, this is so good! I'm sorry I missed it when it came out, but tbh the timing today is perfect. I've been wavering lately and watched the also-excellent film, "American Symphony," last night. In the spirit of what you're taking from "Hustle," I'd say what I'm taking from that is Jon Batiste's unbridled JOY in creation, his willingness to pursue his vision through the dense thicket of the unknown, his love of collaboration, his faith, and his compassion for self and others. He also has a rare equanimity and wisdom that the highs are always balanced by the lows.
Latham I love that film. For all the reasons you describe and more. Great launching pad for your wonderful essay.
I know you know you’re talking about recovery here. Wherever that “bottom” is and whatever we’re “using” to try to bury the feelings we don’t wanna feel is different for everyone. I’ve certainly slobbered enough Ben and Jerry’s down the cracks in my couch. I don’t do that anymore. But I’ll leave the 4 AM alarms to younger knuckleheads 😉
Dee, I was so surprised at how good it was. I think I've watched Sandler's speech at least 100 times in writing this piece. I'd stop writing and rewatch it for a little motivation.
I never had to "recover from" something in the way that AA or NA requires a serious interdiction. But finding my own spirituality and exploring my own philosophy has been a process of recovering from all the bullshit I got stuck on throughout my life. And this ended up being just a fun way to write about that.
If I ever make it down your way, I'll drag you out for a 4AM ruck. You'll see.
So good I agree.
And BTW I have a 30 lb plate in my ruck pack and use it periodically. But at my advanced age I need my sleep, so I’ll meet you around 10 😎
That's my guy!
Just go to bed at 7:30 and we'll be up at 4. I promise it works
I’m not that old yet. I can still make the 10 pm news 😉
4am, madness! But I have a 20 pounder that a friend just dropped off, ready for later today.
Your essay brought back clear recollections of this great movie, and I found personal resonance in its relevance to business and personal setbacks. I really struggle with the private equity view of failure as a kind of character building exercise. Sometimes it’s just a failure, a tragedy in the classic Shakespearean sense. Grieve, learn and move on.
Thanks for sharing Drake. I agree on the VC/PE view of failure. Although in the grand scheme of things, for everything I struggle with/dislike about private equity, their view on failure is a small point in that.
Grieve, learn, and move on. I feel like I should have that tattooed on my arm as a reminder.
You capture the experience of "seasons of stuck," which is relatable and an under-reported phenomenon in an economy where people (esp men) go through so many transitions. I'm a goal guy and when I was at the Hoffman Institute (a week-long therapy camp lol) I learned that my goal-setting had a shadow side. Setting a BHAG was my go-to for concentrating my energies and for not dealing with other issues. Goals gave me meaning, focus, a sense of achievement. Now, while I love the fire in the belly feeling, I am also suspicious of it. When is it coming from a healthy place vs not, and when is is in balance with where I am in life vs not. I am still figuring these things out, but man I love when I'm locked in a goal. And yet, being a temporary archeologist is ok too, I have learned. At one point I mapped out a distinction between drifting and floating. So maybe there are three seasons in this: being stuck, being locked in, and being in archeologist mode (which I do not conflate with being stuck).
Jeff I fking LOVE this!! The shadow side of BHAG! Archeologist mode! There have been SO many periods of my life that patterned into the Big Goal followed by the Big Fall, from half marathons to lofty creative projects. After my last Fall, I was like, ok I’m 40 and this ends now. I’m currently in a super productive endeavor, but sooo suspicious of the pattern, so I’m building in very intentional long breaks to rest, dig, but also crave the activity again. Productivity author Oliver Burkeman writes about this... How you have to let novelty regenerate to stay in love with what you’re working on. The love intensifies for the *doing rather than the *achieving!
the point about regenerating is so important. We're only taught to take: from our energy, from our passion, from others. But we can learn to regenerate and create more.
That, in my mind, is the secret to life.
It's funny, I think I both agree with you and disagree with you Jeff. I understand the value of BHAGs, but most of my goals nowadays are less big hair and audacious and they're much more personal, enjoyable, and still audacious. When I came out of the military, one thing I struggled with was no longer having regular goals and projects to work towards. There was no next deployment, no next certification to go earn. No one prepared me for that.
Having smaller and more personal goals gives me that same sense of working towards something without it needing to be this overwhelming monster of a goal. And it keeps me grounded that the outcome is so much less important than the learning and the joy.
To your point of archeologist mode, the WOP analogy never quite made sense for me. I think I'm always in both at varying degrees. I'm building and I'm searching, and I design my weeks so that there are ample opportunities for both at the right times and energy levels.
The irony is, at the end of the day I know I need to learn to let go of these goals in my own spiritual development. But I don't think I can let go without first honoring and enjoying them.
This all makes sense. Thank you for starting such a rich discussion.
thanks for joining me Jeff. I appreciate your thoughts too. They helped me immensely and kind of pinpointed the one insecurity I had around this subject.
Jeff, love this and echoed much of it just now without having read yours first. Wise words.
I absolutely love Adam Sandler but missed this one for the same reasons (sports?) After your review and the trailer, it is a must watch! “Do you love the game” is EVERYTHING. When I was an avid runner, I’m positively sure I loved PRs and yet loathed the running. No wonder I burned out so badly and quit it with so much violent emotion. By comparison, all this drawing I did for the past six weeks felt like being a kid again. For years and years I never truly “loved” to draw. I’m not one of those artists with hundreds of filled sketchbooks. This feeling started in high school and was exacerbated by my art degree, because it was goal-oriented. Art was a thing that got me good grades and led me to a design career. To be honest I really do not love the career I chose, so it’s no wonder I had such a tumultuous relationship with being an artist. Inktober started as that BAHG too (the only way I get my Capricorn self to do anything) but I was shocked when it morphed into pure love instead of productivity and achievement. Hours peeled away and I was actually sad when 10 or 11pm rolled around. Stanley is right... you have to become obsessed... But not with the goal. No, with the game. I wish someone had taught me this decades ago!
I hope you find the sweet sweet nectar of obsession, but like Jeff suggests, the glorious open spaces of wu wei/nondoing (throwing Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching in the mix!) I’ll cheer you on for both!!
Thanks EL. You should absolutely check it out. One of Sandler's better movies in my opinion (and yes, sports? right).
Love is everything. Love the game. Love yourself. Love the process, not the outcomes.
I'm not surprised to hear about both running and Art school. For me it was physics: I loved getting good grades easily and having time to go party, I didn't love the actual process of science. I think I also loved the debates because it made me feel smart. Being an entrepreneur was the same thing. I loved that I felt special, felt like I was pursuing purpose. I actually didn't love the realities of it, and I didn't end up loving my customers.
But in all of those journeys of not loving what I was doing, I learned so much. If it hadn't been for physics, I never would have gotten to be a test pilot. If it wasn't for starting my company, I never would have started writing. In my mind, those are wins even as they're kind of failures.
Right now I'm nursing 2 obsessions. Because they're fun, and they're powerful, and they give me a sense of integrity I never found in any career before. And I spend a lot of time in both of them simply being. Knowing that I am, and that because I am I can find joy in these obsessions.
BTW, your inktober drawings showed how much love you had. So good. You should post the links here so everyone can see them.
Oo, that's interesting about physics! At the time, it made things really easy, but yeah, easy can lead to apathy pretty quick! You're so right about the journeys these decisions lead us to. Sure—had you made a different choice—maybe you'd be a completely different person with a different path behind you, but if you look back, no regrets, grateful for the opportunities, these are definitely wins over failures!
I hope you write more about your obsessions! "Simply being" sounds like you found the sweet spot. I love it when it feels like you've "come home" when you're in the flow of something. When it feels natural and authentically you. Sounds like that's exactly where you're at!
And your wish is my command! Just in case someone stumbles into the thread :) https://bonesick.substack.com/p/inktober-part-one
Love this. I find I've been sparking again in a way I haven't in a long time. Willing to bet on myself again.
Love this for you Elke. You should absolutely bet on yourself. I'll bet on you too.
I think I have a clue about where you might be heading! I'll have to dial this one up. Sandler is great, and always interesting to see someone who's known mostly as a comic take a serious turn. I feel your pain in failure and I think a lot of that VC lingo was designed to assuage their own guilt—and despair—at having thrown so much money and encouragement at things that failed...and so many things that probably didn't deserve to be funded in the first place. I'm not talking about your thing, whatever that was, but man, all that pretend enthusiasm for internet garbage—like the ad tech world, for example, that I know all too well from personal experience. What a waste of money, time, energy, and heart.
I don't have the experience of failure so much as just one real success, so far at least. I'm working at it, and I hope to have another, but I also don't care quite as much any more. I know this is part of what comes with age, whether it's wisdom or just the ebb of youth. I can see that you're gearing up for another shot at the ring. I want to see you up there!
Thanks Bowen. I think you do have an idea of where I'm heading. And whether I not I get my ring, I'm going to have a hell of a time shooting my shot.
I agree with you on the enthusiasm for garbage. My own example, if I had to pretend to be excited about another "future of work" startup making it easier to give your employees Starbucks gift cards I was going to scream. I was trying something really hard, changing the food system and children's health through ayervedic principles. Turns out I didn't understand just how much was stacked against me (and these kids).
I'm glad to hear you have the perspective now. You've earned it, and yet not everyone who has earned the right to have it actually gains it. I'm glad you have.
Beautiful piece, Latham. In its writing and honesty. I appreciate you. And will you please let me know if you find the golden mean between invisible labor and large creative fulfilling projects?
Thank you Alissa. From you, those words mean so much. I appreciate you and your friendship as well.
If I find it, you'll be the second to know (I'm hoping my wife is the first). Even without a "real job" I feel the weight of trying to take on my part.
As someone born and raised in Philly, I Loved Hustle! Those scenes with the early morning runs up the hill are exactly where I lived from age 5-15.
It was good to read this today. I have had 2 company failures (Sentiment Analysis and an Arts and Culture Magazine) The first one wasn't so bad because it did land me a job. The second one sucked and I nearly came to blows with one of the other founders as a finale, that was a low point on my part. And now I am finally going out again for the 3rd time. Which is the scariest one yet because I have no idea where I am going. Just a North Star but still no second point of reference, which is letting me slide, and I can't slide, I have to finish this..... because i'm already too far from home, NBA or Bust.
Thanks for the pep talk coach!
Thanks Randall. I'm glad you liked it. That hill motivated the hell out of me when I watched it. Especially when you see the stopwatch getting faster and faster by the scene.
I'm sorry to hear you had 2 company failures. My one was enough for a while (maybe forever, I don't know). I'm always stoked to see people who can get back in the ring again and again, I just don't think it's me. I have so many things I want to try and failing in my business made me realize a business isn't the container to do most of them. Which is okay, even though it doesn't lead to the economic cushion I had once dreamed of. But my dreams are even bigger now.
I'd love to hear what the 3rd one is if you're open to sharing. That way I can root for you.
Great movie. Great essay.
Love the subtitle too - It ain't where I been, but where I'm 'bout to go
Thank you Latham.
Thanks for reading Anthony. And yes, thanks to Jay-Z for the subtitle.
"I want to remember that fire in my belly that tells me I’m alive. And the only way I’m wired to do that is to set a goal and devote myself to it. Whatever the outcome, I need to know I did everything possible to reach it, and in the process discovered what my true limits were."
I've struggled with this myself, along with the even weightier question you ask at the end about how to set your sights high without shirking on family responsibilities and other shared obligations. That's where the obsession narrative loses me, because I think if obsession is the requirement for success, then we're fucked. There's no way to be a present parent or spouse and a relentlessly driven entrepreneur or career person. Soccer practice, sick days, meal planning -- all of that is going to get in the way of the most ambitious career arc.
I'm glad you found your way back to desire, and I'll be eager to hear how you navigate a balance between ambition and family. I find myself wondering whether it has to be the 4am burnout routine or sleeping in. Does a 5am alarm count? I make it to the gym by 5:30 most mornings, and some people are just finishing their workouts then. Good for them, but I don't want to burn my candle at both ends, staying up until 10, waking up at 4, and convincing myself I'm an ubermensch. Because I'm more concerned with going the distance. I know you are, too, but I hear you wrestling with these zero sum messages that our culture gives us. Do you have to be "the best guy out there" to be doing something meaningful?
I slammed into these questions when I first transitioned from teaching into independent writing. I wanted wins. Right now. A new essay every week, Submittable dashboard brimming with submissions. Get an agent. Get the book deal. Replace my former calling with a new all-consuming purpose that would justify my existence. For me, that was just another recipe for misery. Substack requires a different mentality. You can't will yourself to be the best on the platform. The only way to do it is to commit to the long haul, the slow and steady, the modest gains. That's been good for me. It's much more comfortable to put all my eggs in one basket, as Mark Twain says, and WATCH THAT BASKET. But then if it doesn't work, there's nothing left. I think of it in terms of monocultures versus diversified farming. The corn/soy farmer hedges two bets. The small scale vegetable farmer with jams and honey and home-dyed tarn hedges a few dozen bets. If the beetles eat one variety of tomato, a few other varieties will thrive. A bad year for the squash might be good for beets and carrots. Personally, I find the latter model more durable, even though it doesn't inspire many fiery speeches!
Wishing all the best for you, my friend.
Sports movies are so useful for this. Or any movies that tell the story of commitment and persistence leading to a surprise outcome. I didn’t know about your stint as a chief couch officer, but that part of your story does feel like it has its place in the intelligence of the larger picture. It’s an important reference point for a new direction that has integrity. Thus its deep relevance to the Real Man conversation. I’m coming to the conclusion that particularly for my kids there is overlap between a commitment to my family and self-actualization. To demonstrate the fire, stamina, and devotion that’s required to make a worthwhile contribution in the world is an essential part of serving my kids.
I love the way you think about that Rick. I think one of our big challenges with these types of projects is that it feels selfish. It feels like we're burdening other people. But in reality, while it is selfish, that isn't a reason not to do it. I've been thinking a lot about the reasons to do these kinds of undertakings, and my family comes up a lot. Inspiration, yes, and also letting them have a father who has a strong sense of his own self-worth that they both may see that in themselves and demand it in their partners in life.
I'm writing more about that right now, and will likely publish a part 2 this week.
Great. This is deserves further unpacking and focus. Glad you're working the conversation.
there have been some great comments on here that highlighted the exact points I was nervous about when I published the piece. Yours included.
Man, I needed to read this. I've been struggling with the "not doing enough" thoughts for the last couple of weeks. I don't think this fixed it, but helped me reflect how important it is to find energy/sources of inspiration that helps us really go for it. Loved this piece.
I'm so glad. I've been in the same boat for a little while now, and this piece just felt like the right way to push myself over some of that too. Being honest with ourselves and the world that we need that inspiration in our pursuit of self-actualization is really important (and can be kind of scary in today's world).
Thanks for reading.
Loved learning about the details of your journey, Latham. Deeply resonate with the topics mentioned here. Will watch Hustle, and the movies that always have this effect on me are Birdman and Whiplash, which I try to rewatch once a year to reignite the fire. Thanks for sharing all this.
Wow, Latham, this is so good! I'm sorry I missed it when it came out, but tbh the timing today is perfect. I've been wavering lately and watched the also-excellent film, "American Symphony," last night. In the spirit of what you're taking from "Hustle," I'd say what I'm taking from that is Jon Batiste's unbridled JOY in creation, his willingness to pursue his vision through the dense thicket of the unknown, his love of collaboration, his faith, and his compassion for self and others. He also has a rare equanimity and wisdom that the highs are always balanced by the lows.