There’s no point when I remember first feeling the need to prove myself. It’s not like one day I was a child, happy and content to ride my bike across the park to the tadpole stream, then a specific moment suddenly manifested a gaping hole in my identity that begged to be filled. No scene where I suddenly become sentient and think “I’m not enough.”
You describe that tension really well. I sometimes feel like I know they're out there, but why aren't they here, now, so I can grab coffee and go for a hike with them.
I'm glad it resonated. Something snapped when I wrote this, and I just needed to tell people it wasn't feeling easy and see if anyone was listening. I'm grateful some people are.
I'll be writing about this tomorrow in relation to the job search. Not sure if you'd agree, but I think there are different versions of "hard." I have no problem gutting out the last mile on a difficult run. But living with uncertainty in a relationship over an indefinite period -- that's a different kind of hard. Sometimes difficulty is unnecessary, and rather than accepting the premise and grinding away at it anyway, thinking or working more creatively (and easily) is the right call. I sometimes get on a soapbox about this because I use the Peloton app for workouts, and they're always trying to convince me that I can do hard things. I know that. But sometimes the hardest thing is being kind to myself.
Josh, I meant to reply earlier but I didn't want to reply before I had read your piece.
I don't know if there are different versions of hard or different ways of experiencing hard things. I think people like you and I have taught ourselves to push our body through physical pain. I'm only now starting to train my mind to deal with mental pain, uncertainty, etc. It's so much more challenging for me as someone who likes coming up with solutions and moving forwards. But like you mention in your piece on your job search, it's so ridiculously out of your control that any semblance of fairness is really just a facade. I think coming to terms with that and sitting in it takes different strategies and different experience than another set in the gym. All that to say, I agree with you that it's not the same thing, I just haven't thought deep enough about it to say it's a different version or simply a skill we were never taught to train.
And yes, I hate the false bravado bullshit that a lot of fitness trainers like to use. It drove me crazy in the military too. I almost got in a fight with a Chief about it (had a good CO who stopped me and helped me see it wasn't worth it).
Also, your post on your job search is a gut punch man. I'm sorry this has been so ridiculous. I know how much it's weighing on you.
Yes, that’s the one that gets me too. I think as a mother of a son, it breaks my heart a little every time. And he’s 21 now, well past that time. But it feels fresh. If you haven’t yet, I dare you to read it aloud. I have trouble getting through it. 🙃😢
I mean...I cry at almost everything. I used to have on my About page "if you haven't seen me cry, wait 10 minutes." Okay, I'm going to do it, I need a good cry today.
Sad story: I tried to write something like it for my son (he's 8). It was a series of letters in a notebook that I wrote in about once a month, inspired by Letters from a Self-Made Merchant to his Son. I wrote the lessons I wanted him to have, and the place we all were in our life, so he'd know me as a young dad rather than an old man when he was mature enough to wonder who I was. Last year someone stole that notebook while I was traveling.
Probably not to the same detail. They were my thoughts starting when we found out we were pregnant. I’m doing a lot now to make sure he can read my words here, and I have a few letters to my kids on my substack. I feel like I should, but also maybe it’s enough to make a point of leaving my legacy through my writing
I think I know the feeling you’re describing. “The space between myself and others” used to confuse me greatly as well. Going to parties, I would feel that I didn’t know, and couldn’t even imagine, what everyone else was even talking about. I had nothing.
I didn’t understand why other men didn’t seem to like me, or to return my calls—and I resented it, which only made it worse.
I lost many lovers because I didn’t feel they understood me well enough. Whose fault was that? I couldn’t reach them them either, not deeply, not how I wanted to be held.
I don’t know if there was one single aha moment for me either, but it came by way of a deliberate combination of 1) radically changing my relationship with alcohol 2) making a concerted effort to repair my ability to create and maintain deep relationships with my fellow men 3) following my intuition at every possible turn, and more and more over time 4) lots of time outside doing physical things I love, in inspiring places and 5) a year-long hiatus from relationships with women.
After a few years of that, that space that lay between myself and others has disappeared. I have friends everywhere, and deeper friendships than ever—and the love part of my wheel of life doesn’t feel so lumpy either. I suppose it wasn’t easy, but then again it didn’t feel that hard. In fact, all of that together was pretty fucking fun, really--and the result even more so.
I hear your call, brother. I’m here—and, as it happens, I am something of a guide.
Wow Bowen. There's so much in what you just shared to learn from.
I used to make fast friends in the Navy. Everyone wore the same cloth, fought for the same mission. It wasn't perfect, but it was easy to find companions. But like you, I wanted more, and I resented people because I didn't know how to get it.
Your combination makes a lot of sense. I drink rarely, and try to spend a lot of time outdoors (harder with young kids who don't want to go on a 14 day backpacking trip but we're learning to compromise by doing what they will), but I'm not so good at the deep relationships. Or maybe I want to be better and try to rush into it. And I'm only learning to follow my intuition.
I'm really happy to know you've figured it out. It's definitely rare to see people who find their own healing and act as an example. I think we have a bit to chat about, maybe on that flight if it works or we may need to find another trip.
I was lonely when no one wanted to take time off work to enjoy the splendors of Montana summer at 11 am on a Wednesday. What do you mean you have to work? Seriously, don’t do that. I sometimes get frustrated when I can’t explain those feelings to anyone.
I can really relate to this. I’ve been in that place for so long. At one point a few months ago, I had the thought “Have I just expanded myself right out of this world? Is my wholeness-based perspective now separating me from most of the whole?” But something is shifting in me now as I enter a new phase, and I am suddenly connecting more than ever. I just published a post about it called “Moving Into a New Home.” Thank you for sending up your beacon. I’ve often felt that is what I am doing and it’s how we find each other, and say “You are not alone.” 👋
“Have I just expanded myself right out of this world? Is my wholeness-based perspective now separating me from most of the whole?"
So well articulated Holly. It's shocking how crazy I can feel for not wanting to divide the world up into small slices. I'm grateful to not be alone. And I'm excited to read your piece.
Such a timely quote. For that alone I tip my hat to you.
I'm realizing how much time I spent trying to impress other people, but not wanting to admit it or seem like that was my real motivation. So much wasted time and energy.
Glad to know I'm not crazy as I feel this way. Thanks Andrew
You captured the transition from "proving yourself" to losing that to feeling lonely so well. There's so much power in being alone, and at the same time, it sucks when other people are tied to a different schedule or even still tied to proving themselves. I related to a lot of this!
Thank you Michelle. It's so hard. I remember that piece you shared with me about being surprised when other people didn't quit their jobs and follow the author. It's so hard to want to bring everyone along but not know how to, or even if you should.
“It’s difficult feeling like an outsider, sometimes even like life forgot about me.” The second part. Exactly precisely. Just today I had this thought that it feels like I got snipped from my ancestral tree of origin and placed in some other tree, just loose. It seems like I should be here but it’s not quite right. Your phrase has such a similar quality. I think the “proving” pairs well with trying to fit. With age, at least it wanes! Own your freak flag and fly it! You never know which like-minded weirdos will notice and join you! In any case, triple points for Calvin & Hobbes. Maybe it says a lot that those books were my nightly reading material at age 10 😂
I love the tree of origin. I feel like I left the orchard and got planted in some old growth forest that doesn't even recognize me.
I'm learning to own who I am. Writing helps. So has a lot of therapy and healing (and quitting my job to be unemployed).
I visited my parents a few weeks ago, and they still have my old Calvin & Hobbes books. They made moves from CA to TX to TN and are still by the side of my old bed.
Old growth forest!! Wow, that right there is right on. But I love the idea of just unapologetically owning the kinda weird, occasionally awkward, but always curious self. And to be grateful if we do at least have one Hobbes in our life who accepts and encourages that self to thrive.
(C&H books by the bedside table!! Incredible!! And true… whenever I felt sad or scared as a kid, I’d read them in bed to calm me down.)
Timely. I am thrashing away at my job (it’s amazing though) and a PhD I don’t need, exactly, but do need as a cherry on the multi-layered cake of my careers, that took me from nobody to the epitome of me. There are voices whispering for me to stop, however, and take the opportunity to paint, at 11am in a Wednesday if I want to, and enjoy the second half of life. Thank you for your reflections. They are helpful.
Thanks for commenting and being here Nick. I dreamed for years of getting a PhD I didn't need. Now I think I'd just like to study whatever interests me and write and read and hike and snowboard. I'd love to learn more about your study and what you're getting out of the experience.
And if you do paint at 11am on a Wednesday, share a picture.
That beach scene is so cool. I also have to work on the ability to sketch quickly. I'm the guy that is always holding pencils or pens (I sketch with Le Pen felt tip pens) up at an angle to try and capture the lines properly. My eye is still very rough, so I admire the free strokes on your painting.
I've not heard of radio pedagogy. A quick Google search looks like it's examining the methods of how certain people use radio as a medium to transmit ideas. Is that anywhere near right? Please forgive my ignorance; I am genuinely curious.
Pretty much, that’s it, but PhDs have to be narrow in scope so I am focusing on a very particular radio programme format that uses poetry, prose, music and a little narration to evoke mental imagery for deeper understanding of complex topics. I was inspired by the format of a BBC radio series called “Something Understood.” Thanks for your interest and kind words and good luck with the sketching!
Beautiful piece Latham. I continually admire and am inspired by your courage to share vulnerably.
“It’s difficult feeling like an outsider, sometimes even like life forgot about me. But I can’t ignore the stillness that comes from being alone…” resonated so much. Feeling like an outsider is an emotion I’ve struggled with my whole life and continue to. Yet also enjoying my solitude. It’s a hard duality to decode, let alone balance.
One day, I’d love to explore the splendours of summer in Montana on Wednesday at 11am.
Thank you Tommy. I suspect we've both felt like outsiders more than we're even ready to admit to ourselves. I often think that might actually be a pretty universal feeling, but maybe more so for those of us that are both sensitive by nature and conscious of how we live in the world.
If you find yourself in Montana on any day in any summer, we shall explore together.
This is a really nice, heartfelt piece, Latham. The path is not easy, and it takes a lot of bravery to acknowledge that. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing that with us. Do know that we are here for you online, in spirit, and in friendship. Thinking of you.
Thank you Becky. I appreciate the support and the love this piece has gotten. I almost didn't publish it. I was afraid it wasn't good enough and didn't say anything that mattered, and in truth I was a bit burnt out at the time. But I'm so glad I did. Especially because of all the others that are feeling the same way. I am reminded of how much humanity there is when we just let our guards down and admit we're having a tough time.
You describe that tension really well. I sometimes feel like I know they're out there, but why aren't they here, now, so I can grab coffee and go for a hike with them.
I'm glad it resonated. Something snapped when I wrote this, and I just needed to tell people it wasn't feeling easy and see if anyone was listening. I'm grateful some people are.
I'll be writing about this tomorrow in relation to the job search. Not sure if you'd agree, but I think there are different versions of "hard." I have no problem gutting out the last mile on a difficult run. But living with uncertainty in a relationship over an indefinite period -- that's a different kind of hard. Sometimes difficulty is unnecessary, and rather than accepting the premise and grinding away at it anyway, thinking or working more creatively (and easily) is the right call. I sometimes get on a soapbox about this because I use the Peloton app for workouts, and they're always trying to convince me that I can do hard things. I know that. But sometimes the hardest thing is being kind to myself.
Josh, I meant to reply earlier but I didn't want to reply before I had read your piece.
I don't know if there are different versions of hard or different ways of experiencing hard things. I think people like you and I have taught ourselves to push our body through physical pain. I'm only now starting to train my mind to deal with mental pain, uncertainty, etc. It's so much more challenging for me as someone who likes coming up with solutions and moving forwards. But like you mention in your piece on your job search, it's so ridiculously out of your control that any semblance of fairness is really just a facade. I think coming to terms with that and sitting in it takes different strategies and different experience than another set in the gym. All that to say, I agree with you that it's not the same thing, I just haven't thought deep enough about it to say it's a different version or simply a skill we were never taught to train.
And yes, I hate the false bravado bullshit that a lot of fitness trainers like to use. It drove me crazy in the military too. I almost got in a fight with a Chief about it (had a good CO who stopped me and helped me see it wasn't worth it).
Also, your post on your job search is a gut punch man. I'm sorry this has been so ridiculous. I know how much it's weighing on you.
Wow, Latham. This is brilliant. I kept thinking of this Billy Collins poem - https://allpoetry.com/poem/14327210-On-Turning-Ten-by-Billy-Collins Like, if you could write the sequel. Thanks for the smile - Calvin & Hobbes is a national treasure. 😊
Thank you Julie. I hadn't seen that poem of his, but this stanza especially hit home.
It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.
So glad you appreciated the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon. It felt too perfect not to add.
Yes, that’s the one that gets me too. I think as a mother of a son, it breaks my heart a little every time. And he’s 21 now, well past that time. But it feels fresh. If you haven’t yet, I dare you to read it aloud. I have trouble getting through it. 🙃😢
I mean...I cry at almost everything. I used to have on my About page "if you haven't seen me cry, wait 10 minutes." Okay, I'm going to do it, I need a good cry today.
I can only imagine how hard it was and is.
😂😢🙃
👏✍️
So honest Latham. I could feel my throat catch as I was reading it. Where’s our fucking man manual?
"Where’s our fucking man manual?"
Haha. I think it's on us to write it Dee.
Sad story: I tried to write something like it for my son (he's 8). It was a series of letters in a notebook that I wrote in about once a month, inspired by Letters from a Self-Made Merchant to his Son. I wrote the lessons I wanted him to have, and the place we all were in our life, so he'd know me as a young dad rather than an old man when he was mature enough to wonder who I was. Last year someone stole that notebook while I was traveling.
Oh that sucks. Are you going to rewrite them?
Probably not to the same detail. They were my thoughts starting when we found out we were pregnant. I’m doing a lot now to make sure he can read my words here, and I have a few letters to my kids on my substack. I feel like I should, but also maybe it’s enough to make a point of leaving my legacy through my writing
Beautiful writing, Latham.
I think I know the feeling you’re describing. “The space between myself and others” used to confuse me greatly as well. Going to parties, I would feel that I didn’t know, and couldn’t even imagine, what everyone else was even talking about. I had nothing.
I didn’t understand why other men didn’t seem to like me, or to return my calls—and I resented it, which only made it worse.
I lost many lovers because I didn’t feel they understood me well enough. Whose fault was that? I couldn’t reach them them either, not deeply, not how I wanted to be held.
I don’t know if there was one single aha moment for me either, but it came by way of a deliberate combination of 1) radically changing my relationship with alcohol 2) making a concerted effort to repair my ability to create and maintain deep relationships with my fellow men 3) following my intuition at every possible turn, and more and more over time 4) lots of time outside doing physical things I love, in inspiring places and 5) a year-long hiatus from relationships with women.
After a few years of that, that space that lay between myself and others has disappeared. I have friends everywhere, and deeper friendships than ever—and the love part of my wheel of life doesn’t feel so lumpy either. I suppose it wasn’t easy, but then again it didn’t feel that hard. In fact, all of that together was pretty fucking fun, really--and the result even more so.
I hear your call, brother. I’m here—and, as it happens, I am something of a guide.
Wow Bowen. There's so much in what you just shared to learn from.
I used to make fast friends in the Navy. Everyone wore the same cloth, fought for the same mission. It wasn't perfect, but it was easy to find companions. But like you, I wanted more, and I resented people because I didn't know how to get it.
Your combination makes a lot of sense. I drink rarely, and try to spend a lot of time outdoors (harder with young kids who don't want to go on a 14 day backpacking trip but we're learning to compromise by doing what they will), but I'm not so good at the deep relationships. Or maybe I want to be better and try to rush into it. And I'm only learning to follow my intuition.
I'm really happy to know you've figured it out. It's definitely rare to see people who find their own healing and act as an example. I think we have a bit to chat about, maybe on that flight if it works or we may need to find another trip.
I was lonely when no one wanted to take time off work to enjoy the splendors of Montana summer at 11 am on a Wednesday. What do you mean you have to work? Seriously, don’t do that. I sometimes get frustrated when I can’t explain those feelings to anyone.
YO 👋
feel this so hard
👋 Paul.
I wondered if you might, especially as your writing has helped me have the confidence to keep going. Thank you for shining the way and for sharing.
I can really relate to this. I’ve been in that place for so long. At one point a few months ago, I had the thought “Have I just expanded myself right out of this world? Is my wholeness-based perspective now separating me from most of the whole?” But something is shifting in me now as I enter a new phase, and I am suddenly connecting more than ever. I just published a post about it called “Moving Into a New Home.” Thank you for sending up your beacon. I’ve often felt that is what I am doing and it’s how we find each other, and say “You are not alone.” 👋
“Have I just expanded myself right out of this world? Is my wholeness-based perspective now separating me from most of the whole?"
So well articulated Holly. It's shocking how crazy I can feel for not wanting to divide the world up into small slices. I'm grateful to not be alone. And I'm excited to read your piece.
"I'm a longer, Dottie. A rebel."
I walked a similar path, and felt the need to prove myself for a long time, until I realized that the only person my actions needed to impress was me.
But it's still solitary, and I feel this!
Such a timely quote. For that alone I tip my hat to you.
I'm realizing how much time I spent trying to impress other people, but not wanting to admit it or seem like that was my real motivation. So much wasted time and energy.
Glad to know I'm not crazy as I feel this way. Thanks Andrew
You captured the transition from "proving yourself" to losing that to feeling lonely so well. There's so much power in being alone, and at the same time, it sucks when other people are tied to a different schedule or even still tied to proving themselves. I related to a lot of this!
Thank you Michelle. It's so hard. I remember that piece you shared with me about being surprised when other people didn't quit their jobs and follow the author. It's so hard to want to bring everyone along but not know how to, or even if you should.
“It’s difficult feeling like an outsider, sometimes even like life forgot about me.” The second part. Exactly precisely. Just today I had this thought that it feels like I got snipped from my ancestral tree of origin and placed in some other tree, just loose. It seems like I should be here but it’s not quite right. Your phrase has such a similar quality. I think the “proving” pairs well with trying to fit. With age, at least it wanes! Own your freak flag and fly it! You never know which like-minded weirdos will notice and join you! In any case, triple points for Calvin & Hobbes. Maybe it says a lot that those books were my nightly reading material at age 10 😂
I love the tree of origin. I feel like I left the orchard and got planted in some old growth forest that doesn't even recognize me.
I'm learning to own who I am. Writing helps. So has a lot of therapy and healing (and quitting my job to be unemployed).
I visited my parents a few weeks ago, and they still have my old Calvin & Hobbes books. They made moves from CA to TX to TN and are still by the side of my old bed.
Old growth forest!! Wow, that right there is right on. But I love the idea of just unapologetically owning the kinda weird, occasionally awkward, but always curious self. And to be grateful if we do at least have one Hobbes in our life who accepts and encourages that self to thrive.
(C&H books by the bedside table!! Incredible!! And true… whenever I felt sad or scared as a kid, I’d read them in bed to calm me down.)
Latham, beautiful, resonating
and that is from I, already at the time that most call ‘old’
it is a word, a season
a season that there still is time to learn
one’s insides deeper and expanding and giggle the days along with wondered curiosity
thank you for your words
Thank you for being here Alixandra. I hope the season of learning never ends for as long as I can still open my eyes and see words on a page.
Timely. I am thrashing away at my job (it’s amazing though) and a PhD I don’t need, exactly, but do need as a cherry on the multi-layered cake of my careers, that took me from nobody to the epitome of me. There are voices whispering for me to stop, however, and take the opportunity to paint, at 11am in a Wednesday if I want to, and enjoy the second half of life. Thank you for your reflections. They are helpful.
Thanks for commenting and being here Nick. I dreamed for years of getting a PhD I didn't need. Now I think I'd just like to study whatever interests me and write and read and hike and snowboard. I'd love to learn more about your study and what you're getting out of the experience.
And if you do paint at 11am on a Wednesday, share a picture.
Thanks. I'm researching radio pedagogy, which is fascinating (to me). That's the problem, I can't think of walking away yet. Anyway, not at 11 on Wednesday, but I did paint yesterday. https://open.substack.com/pub/niximagery/p/lower-largo?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
That beach scene is so cool. I also have to work on the ability to sketch quickly. I'm the guy that is always holding pencils or pens (I sketch with Le Pen felt tip pens) up at an angle to try and capture the lines properly. My eye is still very rough, so I admire the free strokes on your painting.
I've not heard of radio pedagogy. A quick Google search looks like it's examining the methods of how certain people use radio as a medium to transmit ideas. Is that anywhere near right? Please forgive my ignorance; I am genuinely curious.
Pretty much, that’s it, but PhDs have to be narrow in scope so I am focusing on a very particular radio programme format that uses poetry, prose, music and a little narration to evoke mental imagery for deeper understanding of complex topics. I was inspired by the format of a BBC radio series called “Something Understood.” Thanks for your interest and kind words and good luck with the sketching!
Beautiful piece Latham. I continually admire and am inspired by your courage to share vulnerably.
“It’s difficult feeling like an outsider, sometimes even like life forgot about me. But I can’t ignore the stillness that comes from being alone…” resonated so much. Feeling like an outsider is an emotion I’ve struggled with my whole life and continue to. Yet also enjoying my solitude. It’s a hard duality to decode, let alone balance.
One day, I’d love to explore the splendours of summer in Montana on Wednesday at 11am.
Thank you Tommy. I suspect we've both felt like outsiders more than we're even ready to admit to ourselves. I often think that might actually be a pretty universal feeling, but maybe more so for those of us that are both sensitive by nature and conscious of how we live in the world.
If you find yourself in Montana on any day in any summer, we shall explore together.
This is a really nice, heartfelt piece, Latham. The path is not easy, and it takes a lot of bravery to acknowledge that. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing that with us. Do know that we are here for you online, in spirit, and in friendship. Thinking of you.
Thank you Becky. I appreciate the support and the love this piece has gotten. I almost didn't publish it. I was afraid it wasn't good enough and didn't say anything that mattered, and in truth I was a bit burnt out at the time. But I'm so glad I did. Especially because of all the others that are feeling the same way. I am reminded of how much humanity there is when we just let our guards down and admit we're having a tough time.
Beautiful piece, brother.
Thank you Alex.