40 Comments
Mar 25Liked by Latham Turner

Bravo, Latham. Thanks for sharing such an insightful, thoughtful piece of writing. I wish you well with the invaluable work you have undertaken with your son. 👏✍️

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Thank you Kevin. It's gratifying and also really difficult. But I really like it.

I'm grateful you like this.

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Latham,

Thanks for this piece of writing. I'm at a different stage than you. I'm 62 and have retired from my finance career. I think (and write) about the system of work I no longer do every day, although I continue to be involved in a few different ways in that system. So, this line stood out to me:

"I can’t imagine going back to supporting a system I no longer believe in."

I'm curious to hear more about that from you. Is it that you no longer believe in it for yourself or have you come to believe that the system of capitalism itself, which prizes "hard work," is corrosive for most?

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David, Thank you for highlighting that line and for a very poignant question.

I thought a lot about that line after it appeared on the page. I debated taking it out, changing it, and tried to refine it into something that said more, but ultimately decided to leave it. The piece was already long enough. But your question and that line still stood there, begging to be addressed.

That line is not intended as an indictment of capitalism, either in itself or in relation to another economic system. I also don't mean any specific system of technology or power or imperialism or any other -ism which we may organize our lives by. I actually mean I'm struggling with the whole idea of systems in general. As Dr. McGilchrist alluded to in The Master and His Emissary, we've come to believe our models (in this case the systems which we implement) and deny our actual experience. I don't think I want to or could go back to working for any organizational system which denies actual lived experience. Which doesn't support a search for divine Truth. I have yet to find a system that does, because the very nature of systems is to deny the experience of one for the predictability of many.

All that being said, I have no idea how to completely opt out and still survive. And I recognize I'm on a bit of a high horse with this discussion. Always a dangerous place to be. So I'm not sure if I answered the mail here, but I'd love to continue a discussion if you feel there's something here to respond to. Thank you for asking the question and for reading.

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You answered my question. And your answer is both illuminating and intriguing. To live outside systems is an ambition/goal I've never heard stated the way you do. As you implied, you will undoubtedly confront challenges to your goal. I will be an eager follower as you share the journey of how you handle those challenges. Thanks Latham.

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Mar 25Liked by Latham Turner

Another beautiful essay Latham. It’s been a treat to see you continue to evolve, both as a person and storyteller, even in just the last year. It sounds like you’re settling into yourself, finding balance between being and doing. And you’re so right about that low level anxiety that pervades adult life.

Love it.

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Thank you Tommy. I think we've both been evolving in similar ways. It's been a joy to evolve with you.

I'm grateful you're here with me on this journey.

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This was one salient passage for me: "By not working during my prime earning years, earning no money and losing the accrued interest on those earnings, atrophying any work or social skills, I increase the odds of a failed future every day. It can be hard not to take heed of the coming storm, and I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I’ve made a mistake. But just because we can measure something doesn’t make it a story. And I refuse to let opportunity cost be my story. Because my relationship to work — in this case the lack thereof — is far richer than the numbers tell."

There's a tension in these sentences, and in the essay as a whole, between conventional notions of success and failure and the definitions that you're trying to craft for yourself. How could your investment in your son yield failure of any kind? Yet I know what you mean, as I struggle with this myself. Prioritizing parenthood doesn't feel like professional progress and doesn't come with any guarantee of recognition. It's a story that you have to believe independently of anyone else, a choice you have to own even if there is no tangible reward. That's pretty tough for those of us who cut our teeth on extrinsic benchmarks of achievement.

But as Lyle recently reminded me, you are modeling a different relationship with work for your son. There is clear value in that. Perhaps someday your example will be the life raft he needs out of hustle culture.

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Thank you for this comment Josh. As a salient example: When we started getting services for our son's autism, it was easy to feel all consumed by it. Yet I insisted that we weren't just parents of a kid with autism. Someday, that phase of our life would end (he's capable of thriving independently), and we would have to figure out how to return to our own selves once we no longer are in the thick of it.

But with parenting (and homeschooling is a microcosm of that), it feels different. Like this is my life. Like there's no going back to my real self after this, because to hold anything back would be a disservice to my kids. And to myself. I think that's why it's difficult, because I'm effectively closing off a lot of paths in this decision. And to your point, no one (with the exception of you, which I appreciate immensely) is telling me regularly how much they see it and value it.

As far as my kids seeing a different relationship, I can only hope so. I hope if they keep anything from these experiences, it's that a different choice is possible. That there is more to this life then what society leads us to believe.

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It's important to know that your sacrifices have value. I hope the people in your life will see this with time and communicate it to you. What you're doing is hard, but if you are at peace with it in your own heart, and feel that you can stay the course regardless of whether you are seen, that will be a triumph.

I had a good conversation with a guy in the steam room at the gym the other day. He said that sometimes kids will take the parent who is unfailingly present to them for granted while chasing the attention of the less available parent. This can feel like being invisible or unappreciated. But your son knows who is there for him day in, day out. This will become part of his memory, even if he doesn't express it.

I have a line in my novel that riffs on a Bible verse: Lay up your treasure in those whom you love.

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I love that line in your novel. I've recently come back to reading more of the Bible, and it's amazing how much I didn't appreciate the richness of it all. I was going to say it's amazing how rich it is, but in reality what is amazing is my youthful daftness.

I really like what that guy said in the steam room. I think my kids and I (right now) have a really strong relationship. But I'm always learning how that changes and morphs. I will always take some good advice from a man who's been on the path longer.

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Hey, I call you about my dreams and schemes pretty regularly...or at least to talk about how difficult it is to form coherent sentences.

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That'a true, you do call pretty regularly. I stand corrected (and will issue a redaction at some point).

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Journalistic integrity!

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Mar 25·edited Mar 25Liked by Chad Smith, Latham Turner

There's a layer of beauty in this that is still behind the scenes I'd love to hear about, which is the way this is an act of bonding, co-regulation, and teamwork for your family. Your decision and new direction, I assume, has required lots of conversation with your wife. Her willingness to be the one bringing in income at the moment makes this adventure possible. And this act of your willingness to serve a role in your family that wasn't your conditioned expectation is part of the magnificence of your story. To me this is the actual definition of a hero, the one who is willing to step aside from their default script to reinvent themselves in service to reality, rather than assaulting reality with the demand that it serve and conform to their script.

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Thank you Rick. I'm afraid the piece was getting long already, and I was running out of time to keep writing. I think I will address the interpersonal aspects at some point, in another piece. There is more to say about all of this. Building an understanding of what a family really is. What a real life is.

I love your definition of a hero. Thank you for sharing.

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Really enjoyed this piece. I relate a whole lot. You nailed it about leaving behind the unhealthy [conformist] system and embracing a new, healthy vitality which is self-sustaining and spiritually nourishing. I'm glad you're homeschooling. I think it's fantastic. The idea of "work" is complex in our modern times. We're all taught that money is the key to adulthood and success. But I always consider the spiritual and emotional sides to "adulthood." You may make a lot of money and drive a $150,000 car...but if you're an emotional narcissist, you ain't a man in my book. It's the ability to look inward openly and honestly, and the possession of genuine self-awareness that creates men.

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Thank you Michael. I know you're right about the spiritual and emotional sides to adulthood. I can understand the anarchist desire to burn the system down and start over. Doesn't mean I relate to it, but I can understand it more now than I could when I was living within the system.

Here's to being something more of a man. I don't know that I'm perfect, but I'm damn sure trying. As I know we both are.

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Latham, I really enjoyed this article. Discovered it through Michael Mohr. I am retiring from the Navy this year after 24 years on active duty. My wife and I sat down, ran the numbers, and made the decision I am not going back to work in the traditional sense. I am going to stay at home, do laundry, cook meals, and do a lot of reading and writing. I am looking forward to that opportunity to free my mind from the grind.

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Thank you Matthew. I'm grateful you enjoyed it. Congratulations on your upcoming retirement. I left the Navy after 11 years, although there are times I long for that life (not often but sometimes). I love your post-retirement plan. It sounds wonderful. I wish more veterans would allow themselves the same opportunity and I hope you find it nourishing. I know I'm finding it purposeful and enjoyable, even as I sometimes struggle with the financial implications of this less traditional path.

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Requires a big cup of tea and a second unhurried read.

But you know what I would say about the choice to be the guide your son is seeking as he discovers his thirst for a real education.

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I know what you have said. I appreciate your support. We're working on it; that doesn't always mean it's easy. Especially on days like today, when he threw a throwing axe (plastic, from a game just to be clear) and hit me in the eye. Those are days when I wonder, "Is this really what I'm doing with my life?"

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Mar 25·edited Mar 25Liked by Latham Turner

Ouch. ... And still YES -- you just have to trust me on this one.

It's not the same as home-schooling, but I was complaining to my mother that my promotions were not coming at the same rate as some other of my co-workers. I would WFH two days a week so I could get my son to PreK from 1-3pm. One of our routines was to have a hot chocolate with LOTs of marshmallows .. then he would nap and I would carry on working.

"Which do you think he will remember when he grows?" she would ask. "More importantly, will you remember what you do with that extra money and responsibility that comes with that promotion?" Touche.

Sometimes work is just work. But you are making memories. Those last two generations, sometimes longer.

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Your mother was a wise woman. I hope I can inhabit some of her wisdom as I grow into this.

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Mar 25·edited Mar 25Liked by Latham Turner

Such a pleasure to read your work again Latham!

"I refuse to let opportunity cost be my story." bravo my friend.

I've been reading with "wild disregard" as well... I don't know how I landed on Ian Frazier's Travels in Siberia, a lengthy and very very deep dive into the history of Russia and Siberia by way of several journeys to this mythically vast frozen province, but it's beautiful and fascinating. I almost put it down but was drawn back in for his return in winter. I suppose the scope and depth of the book had to match the territory itself.

I appreciate your reflections on aspirations and anxiety. Perhaps they are two forms of the same thing: the wish to mold ourselves into something other or more than ourselves, and the tension that this forever-unfulfilled creates in our bodies and our lives.

Work is a sideshow that attempts to hook us by the neck and make us do what it wants. It's small and noisy—and no match for the creative and the spiritual. I hear you diving in, deep and quiet.

Latham’s piece linked here is part of our latest series, this time on Work and Money. Stay tuned for writing this week from myself, @Joshua Doležal @Lyle McKeany @Sincere American Writing and @Dee Rambeau!

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Mar 26·edited Mar 26Liked by Latham Turner

Powerful stuff my friend. I imagine my piece on Friday will share much of your thoughts around the inverse relationship between the pursuit of money and happiness. Intention is everything and the rewards are plentiful—albeit not measured in the ways accustomed to in our culture.

Bravo.

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Thank you Dee. I can't wait for Friday. I wasn't so sure about this subject, but I am really happy with how it turned out. And it gave me a place to really consider how I'm feeling about homeschooling.

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Mar 26Liked by Latham Turner

“I’ve never seen him this relaxed…something is working.” That’s worth its weight in gold right there!! (Although I did catch the axe-throwing incident on my scroll down haha!!) If we’re lucky, our lives are soooo long. Why get stuck on one track from A to B when we can wander the forest? Especially if one of our kind joins us on the journey? I love this chapter for you. It’s bound to fill itself with the greatest of challenges, setting you up for lush chapters ahead, rich and nourishing like the loam beneath your feet!

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The text from his therapist really hit home. It was a powerful affirmation of what I've been seeing. There are so many moments, from simply saying "you want to do what? sure, let's give it a try." I knew he had masked at school, but I didn't realize how much of himself was buried and it has taken a few weeks to come out. That being said, I also now have to be the one managing his regulation because he can't yet, and that is exhausting.

I am enjoying this chapter of my life immensely. And I hope I am making a real difference. And I appreciate your unbridled encouragement.

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“I still want to write a book, but for the simple joy of saying something true.”

Reminded me of the Gnostic gospel of Truth, where it says right in the beginning that “truth is joy.” Thank you for your ideas, Latham!

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Thank you for sharing that. Truth is joy. Knowledge is love.

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“I still want to write a book, but for the simple joy of saying something true.”

Reminded me of the Gnostic gospel of Truth, where it says right in the beginning that “truth is joy.” Thank you for your ideas, Latham!

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Mar 27Liked by Latham Turner

Thank you for this beautiful piece, Latham. So much resonated, like this: “But now I’m not keeping up. And instead of feeling like I’m falling behind, I feel that my desires have become more pure. I still want to write a book, but for the simple joy of saying something true.” I feel much the same way in my relationship with my paid work. It may appear that I’m striving but it’s more of a game at this point. I take my service to my students seriously while also knowing the name “professor” doesn’t define me. I don’t believe in academia so much as I believe in the intense passion of the young people I teach. Their all-in intention to make a difference feels different from my anxiety-fueled need to “succeed” when I was their age.

Your son is one lucky kid to have this precious time with his dad.

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Thank you Julie. This ended up being a fun reflection.

It sounds like your students are lucky themselves to get to work with you. I never really connected with any of my professors, and to be honest I don't remember any of them trying to connect with me. As you know, Annapolis is a strange place like that. But I agree the name "professor" doesn't define you. From what I know of you, it's too small even as its large and impressive. I'm glad to hear you've found your own game. More of us need to be intentional about that game.

C and I are having fun...most days. I didn't put it in the piece, but my son who was "never good at reading, could only really do math because it's logical and he has autism" (as more than one teacher told us) seems to not enjoy math, has found a passion for languages like Latin and Greek, loves to paint, and is obsessed with reading about Greek Mythology for HOURS every day. It's so cool to get to be a part of. We've made more progress in 11 weeks than he made in the last few years. How could I not feel good about that?

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That’s marvelous!! What a gift to discover that — for both of you. It sounds like you’re enjoying studying those subjects as much as he is (or maybe I’m projecting! 😉).

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this was beautiful, Latham. I'm so excited for you and your son. Excited to hear more about your experiences in the years ahead.

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